Monday comedown.

Every Monday I get a case of post weekend blues. Why, you ask? "But you stay home, you don't go to work, etc etc" you may say. Yes, I do. But I'm not "home" right now. I'm in Jefferson City and this is SO not my home. 

Everybody around me is trying to instill in me a positive attitude about the current situation. While I appreciate their encouragement, and truly do understand why we're here, I am tired of pretending. It's only been 2 months but its felt like so much longer. 

Having kids makes it all so incredibly different, too. So many things about Jefferson City have made our lives so much more stressful. For example, since moving here, Kinley refuses to nap in her room. Something that she did no problem, at home. She's scared of the upstairs, so she wants to nap in our bed. Shes scared to be alone period, shes clinging to me EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF EVERY SINGLE DAY. This makes attempting to give Scarlett naps, tons of fun. Since I can't ever find any peace. The combination of not seeing people I care about every week, and having no space from the kids here, with their new suffocating behaviors, and Ty's longer than ever days has me in a bad downward spiral.

   We have new construction spiders, and I can't even tell you the 48 hours of living hell we went through because she found one on her leg. I don't have help when I grocery shop, and for anyone who wants to make light of this. Please, I encourage you to go shopping alone with my two kids alone. The day Ty was supposed to get off (Mondays) he no longer has off. So we rush home late Saturday night, hang out Sunday, and rush home early Monday morning so he can get back to work. We're limited on when we can travel with the kids, because Scarlett absolutely hates her car seat. So we have to travel late at night or early in the morning when we *KNOW* she'll sleep. We feel cramped being at my parents all week. We miss our friends and the weekly play dates we had. We miss familiarity. Nothing about this town makes sense. From its drive throughs to its stores. Everything's back wards, and flip flopped and upside down. And I'm sick of it. 

I'm sorry if this post is not much fun to real but it's the reality of the now in my life and reality isn't always pretty. 

When it comes down to it, I'm really afraid I'm becoming extremely depressed. I want to go home. Now. That is all I want to do. I have to fight with every ounce of strength I have to do normal every day life, every single day. I couldn't figure out why for a long time. But it's slowly hitting me, that living here is truly making me unhappy in my heart. It's stealing my joy. I miss my home town, I miss my family and friends and I just want to go home. 

I feel like the fact that I'm trying to be so happy and put on such a big show for everyone is making it all so much harder on me. I want to be real. I don't want to be fake. I guess I figured where better to be real than on my own blog. So there you have it.

Before moving here, I absolutely loved and adored almost every second of motherhood. I felt engulfed in mommy is 24:7 and truly loved what I did. But here, I'm so suffocated by the kids being afraid of the new place, the lack of help, the lack of socialization, and the lack of seeing my husband with his new longer shifts, that I feel myself every single day wanting so, so, SO desperately, a break.. And never being able to have one. It's getting very hard.. 

I just..

WANT.

TO.

GO.

HOME.