Monday comedown.

Every Monday I get a case of post weekend blues. Why, you ask? "But you stay home, you don't go to work, etc etc" you may say. Yes, I do. But I'm not "home" right now. I'm in Jefferson City and this is SO not my home. 

Everybody around me is trying to instill in me a positive attitude about the current situation. While I appreciate their encouragement, and truly do understand why we're here, I am tired of pretending. It's only been 2 months but its felt like so much longer. 

Having kids makes it all so incredibly different, too. So many things about Jefferson City have made our lives so much more stressful. For example, since moving here, Kinley refuses to nap in her room. Something that she did no problem, at home. She's scared of the upstairs, so she wants to nap in our bed. Shes scared to be alone period, shes clinging to me EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF EVERY SINGLE DAY. This makes attempting to give Scarlett naps, tons of fun. Since I can't ever find any peace. The combination of not seeing people I care about every week, and having no space from the kids here, with their new suffocating behaviors, and Ty's longer than ever days has me in a bad downward spiral.

   We have new construction spiders, and I can't even tell you the 48 hours of living hell we went through because she found one on her leg. I don't have help when I grocery shop, and for anyone who wants to make light of this. Please, I encourage you to go shopping alone with my two kids alone. The day Ty was supposed to get off (Mondays) he no longer has off. So we rush home late Saturday night, hang out Sunday, and rush home early Monday morning so he can get back to work. We're limited on when we can travel with the kids, because Scarlett absolutely hates her car seat. So we have to travel late at night or early in the morning when we *KNOW* she'll sleep. We feel cramped being at my parents all week. We miss our friends and the weekly play dates we had. We miss familiarity. Nothing about this town makes sense. From its drive throughs to its stores. Everything's back wards, and flip flopped and upside down. And I'm sick of it. 

I'm sorry if this post is not much fun to real but it's the reality of the now in my life and reality isn't always pretty. 

When it comes down to it, I'm really afraid I'm becoming extremely depressed. I want to go home. Now. That is all I want to do. I have to fight with every ounce of strength I have to do normal every day life, every single day. I couldn't figure out why for a long time. But it's slowly hitting me, that living here is truly making me unhappy in my heart. It's stealing my joy. I miss my home town, I miss my family and friends and I just want to go home. 

I feel like the fact that I'm trying to be so happy and put on such a big show for everyone is making it all so much harder on me. I want to be real. I don't want to be fake. I guess I figured where better to be real than on my own blog. So there you have it.

Before moving here, I absolutely loved and adored almost every second of motherhood. I felt engulfed in mommy is 24:7 and truly loved what I did. But here, I'm so suffocated by the kids being afraid of the new place, the lack of help, the lack of socialization, and the lack of seeing my husband with his new longer shifts, that I feel myself every single day wanting so, so, SO desperately, a break.. And never being able to have one. It's getting very hard.. 

I just..

WANT.

TO.

GO.

HOME.

Transitions

I've been so bad about updating my blog. But honestly, life has been so crazy lately. We've moved to Jefferson City (against my will) and have been here for about a month. It hasn't grown on me one bit. I miss my home and my friends and family. And to be brutally honest, I'm just not happy here. At all. It takes all I have just to function and accept it some days. The great thing though, is that there's beauty in just about every situation in life, really.

And although I may find myself as a whole unhappy with this Jefferson City situation, it really has allowed me to "put things into perspective" with my life and I've found that I'm finding myself becoming more appreciative for what I DO have. My healthy, happy, beautiful kids. My hardworking and selfless husband. Honestly, he's probably one of the most selfless people I've ever met. My family, my home, the fact our bills are paid and were able to eat. Because as cheesy as I'm sure it all may sound, it really is true. It's what matters the most. This definitely is not my home, it never will be, and I will NEVER make it my permanent home. But for now, it will do. And we will try to embrace it, and be thankful for the opportunity we've been given with Ty's career.

Being here has pulled me out of my social life, and while I definitely miss my friends and all of the play dates we used to have, and the fun things we used to do. I'm finding myself becoming a better mom. It's like I have time to perfect my parenting, so to say. Which should have always been priority #1, and it was. But I'm just more reflective on myself now. As well as more honest with myself. And that combination is allowing me to change methods of my parenting I'm not happy with, and mold it to what I feel works for us and our children better. I'm watching what I say more, and trying to carve out more one on one time for my kids.

It's also made our marriage better. And here's why, neither of us are happy here. Ty's better at hiding things than I am. But he has opened up to me and expressed to me that he isn't happy here whatsoever and he's doing what he has to do from a financial stand point for our family. And for that, I do respect him. He's a very hard worker and I'm proud of what he's doing and how far he's came since I met him. And how well he holds it all together under all of the pressure. We've been there for each other and being honest and open with how we truly feel about the move, and being there for each other regardless of all of that has really made our marriage grow stronger and happier.

We've celebrated 2 years of marriage, (6 years of togetherness), taken a trip to the beach, our oldest turned 3 last month, our youngest has gotten 3 teeth and is in the beginning stages of walking, I mean what's there not to be happy about?